On page 179 of his article, Corr (2016) mentions the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969), who is most well-known for her five stages model of grief:
Although the five stage model is now considered outdated and inaccurate, Corr (2016) underlines three 'basic lessons' of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work with regard to death and coping:
"a) dying persons are still alive and often have unfinished business that they want and need to address,
b) those who wish to help dying persons must listen to them actively and work with them to identify their tasks and needs, and
c) we all need to learn from those who are dying and coping with dying in order to come to know ourselves better as mortal creatures" (p. 179)
Consider the above lessons, and take part in the discussion by answering the questions below.
1. What are some examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address?
2. How could you help them address such tasks?
3. Would might you learn about yourself as a 'mortal creature' from spending time with a dying person?
Managing the expectations of achievements and the experience of unfulfillment, while feeling the urgency in prioritising unachieved goals in life can be challenging and can result in intense feelings toward death. It is important to support individuals in reaching their own acceptance of death and unfulfillments. Spending time with a dying person can learn valuable insights into individual's reality and how they respond to when death becomes immediate and final.
Examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address could be estranged relationships or dream fulfilment. We can help address these by exploring emotions behind the 'unfinished business', and the meaningfulness behind them.
What can be learned about ourselves as mortal creatures from spending time with a dying person is what they valued the most in life looking back, and compare these values to our values to see whether we agree or if we may want to change them
1. They may want to repair relationships, apologise or forgive someone, express love, organise their belongings, write letters, plan their funeral, or ensure their family is taken care of.
2. By listening without judgment, helping them reflect on what feels important, supporting conversations with loved ones, encouraging them to express feelings, and connecting them with spiritual, legal, or practical support if needed.
3, Spending time with a dying person can remind you of life’s fragility, deepen gratitude, highlight what truly matters, and encourage you to live more purposefully and authentically.
1. What are some examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address?
Relationship regrets or issues, inheritance/Will concerns, worry for loved ones they are leaving behind.
2. How could you help them address such tasks?
Empathy, listening, involving a member of their family they feel comfortable with to trust their wishes are carried out, involving a spiritual leader if this is suitable to their needs.
3. Would might you learn about yourself as a 'mortal creature' from spending time with a dying person?
What it might be like to face your own death, to what extent have I planned for my own end, what might I regret when the time comes, developing a deeper connection to what life means, deeper empathy to those facing death, humility.
1. What are some examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address?
Possessions and left legacy seem to be a big piece of unfinished business in my experience. Along with concern and worry for the ones they are leaving behind, possible regrets around relationships.
2. How could you help them address such tasks?
Giving them space to talk it all through. If it's something that they want, working with them through an end-of-life plan, making sure they have lots of support, at least one member of their whānau who can advocate for their wishes.
3. What might you learn about yourself as a 'mortal creature' from spending time with a dying person?
Lot's, I think humility... how to look at my own dying and death journey with love, compassion, authenticity and graciousness
1. Having regrets about things from the past, worrying about children.
2. Talking through it with them and if they are comfortable, bringing in family to help make a plan and resolve the issues.
3. So many things, the different emotions that come up, that you are going to be dying one day, that if you really feel you need to do something the time is now.
1. What are some examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address? These could be wanting to make amends with others, completing something they have started, pass on knowledge, do something they have always wanted to do but never "got around to it" ....
2. How could you help them address such tasks? I would listen to their thoughts and support them to work through them. i like the way that Dani mentioned writing a letter, this could be a helpful method.
3. Would might you learn about yourself as a 'mortal creature' from spending time with a dying person? I think that being in that environment would make me want to appreciate what I have, try not to second guess myself and seize the moment. Why put off until tomorrow what I can do today.
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What are some examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address?
Making amends with people, forgiving, seeing someone for the last time and confessing the truth
How could you help them address such tasks?
being patient with them, encouragement
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Unfinished business - I imagine it would often be to do with saying what hasn't been said to loved ones or estranged loved ones. I imagine forgiveness or understanding of others but also themselves. And on a practical note, making sure their papers are in order, ie, their will and powers of attorney etc.
I guess helping them to write a letter or go through what it would be like for them to say what they want to say, or what it might be like for them if they don't say it. Working through some of the feelings that might come up around forgiving someone, and allowing them to explore different ways of seeing things.
Spending time with a dying person would definitely bring your own mortality into sharper focus and help you to see through their eyes what is important to do/say while you are still healthy. And might help to let go of the stuff that doesn't matter so much.
1. What are some examples of 'unfinished business' that a dying person might want to address?
Lost relationships, apologies, making amends with people who were important and didn't see eye to eye on something. Coming to terms with things they never could prior to learning of their impending death.
2. How could you help them address such tasks?
Carefully, kindly and with awareness that just because they want to address these things wont mean that it's easier or a fast process and it may be unclear at what point the task is "complete"
3. Would might you learn about yourself as a 'mortal creature' from spending time with a dying person?
The urgency of settling things while you have the privilege of time rather than waiting until the perceived end. Also prioritisation. Things that seem important may not be an important as they seem and seemingly silly things may take centre stage
family disputes, maybe items that they are holding onto and haven't passed on, a will, lots of things. it would be important to listen to how they would like to move forward in this situation and involving whanau so that their decisions are upheld. maybe acknowledging that thee hard conversations need to be had and offering space for these emotions to be felt.
A dying person may have unfinished business with other family members or friends, perhaps unresolved disagreements, or issues around inheritance, maybe they feel like they need to let a person know about something before they pass. I could help them address such tasks by communicating with the family, with consent, you may have to be careful/mindful with ensuring the dying person is in a state of mind to give consent, this may involve a wider team such as nurses or doctors. Maybe spending time with a dying person would emphasis the fact that we are mortal creatures and do not live forever, helping me to acknowledge that life is precious, and everyday should be appreciated, also gratitude towards being fit and healthy would be reaccessed.
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